I think it's funny that people thing I'll regret it one day. 

like I'll look back at pictures of you and wish someone had changed my mind - 

and they'll whisper "I told you so" - as I adopt my 14th cat. 

But I think it's funny that they're lives are so caught up in waiting for me to be unhappy again. 

Some nights it's just really hard to be alone,
but I don't just want two arms & a warm body.

I want someone who won't make me talk.
Who will watch stupid videos with me and hold my hand and laugh when I'm being weird -
Go on long drives with me and let me roll the windows down in February -
will cuddle when I say I want to sleep, but stay up when I decide at 2am I want to talk.

tonight it's really hard to be alone.

I don't know why I let you
have so much control over the
way I feel about myself -

I am strong.
- I've survived fiercer storms
than your nightmares could comprehend.
been broken & repaired
with no help from you.

and you can't take me back there.

you can't break me
you can't decide if I'm worthy
you can't tell me to cover my bruises -
because damn they make me beautiful

you don't see the fire within me
that warms hearts and
burns bridges with equal intensity

I am strong
without your approval

I am strong
and fuck you for making me feel weak.

I just wish you knew you are worth so much more than rope tied to doorknobs and scotch laced in disappointment

it's crazy how music can take you back.

remembering big fields and late night talks and me that I'm yours

reminding me you're the greatest terrible thing that's ever happened to me

I am learning how to sleep alone and wake up by myself -

I've stopped rolling over and expecting someone there.

slipping is okay. 

But walking into thin ice is not. 

you're allowed to make a mistake on day 1
and still have an amazing year.

don't let a mistake destine you to fail
don't let toxic things take another day

And hey...
you made it
you called this the worst year of your life - and you made it
you survived brokenness & transition & everything changing & everything upside down
making new friends & decisions & learning who you are without him.

you.
fucking.
made.
it.

live this year like the victor you are.