I think it's funny that people thing I'll regret it one day. 

like I'll look back at pictures of you and wish someone had changed my mind - 

and they'll whisper "I told you so" - as I adopt my 14th cat. 

But I think it's funny that they're lives are so caught up in waiting for me to be unhappy again. 

Some nights it's just really hard to be alone,
but I don't just want two arms & a warm body.

I want someone who won't make me talk.
Who will watch stupid videos with me and hold my hand and laugh when I'm being weird -
Go on long drives with me and let me roll the windows down in February -
will cuddle when I say I want to sleep, but stay up when I decide at 2am I want to talk.

tonight it's really hard to be alone.

I don't know why I let you
have so much control over the
way I feel about myself -

I am strong.
- I've survived fiercer storms
than your nightmares could comprehend.
been broken & repaired
with no help from you.

and you can't take me back there.

you can't break me
you can't decide if I'm worthy
you can't tell me to cover my bruises -
because damn they make me beautiful

you don't see the fire within me
that warms hearts and
burns bridges with equal intensity

I am strong
without your approval

I am strong
and fuck you for making me feel weak.

I just wish you knew you are worth so much more than rope tied to doorknobs and scotch laced in disappointment

it's crazy how music can take you back.

remembering big fields and late night talks and me that I'm yours

reminding me you're the greatest terrible thing that's ever happened to me

I am learning how to sleep alone and wake up by myself -

I've stopped rolling over and expecting someone there.

slipping is okay. 

But walking into thin ice is not. 

you're allowed to make a mistake on day 1
and still have an amazing year.

don't let a mistake destine you to fail
don't let toxic things take another day

And hey...
you made it
you called this the worst year of your life - and you made it
you survived brokenness & transition & everything changing & everything upside down
making new friends & decisions & learning who you are without him.

you.
fucking.
made.
it.

live this year like the victor you are.

You leave me breathless
questioning
wondering which way is up

and I've never known two lips
against mine could have such an impact
on how I see the world or how it sees me

for one moment I feel as strong as Sampson with the clarity to change the world and find the lost and stand forever with no more nourishment than the strength you give me

and the next I feel infinitely weak, like my bones could crumple and melt into a puddle easily washed away - that I could sink into oblivion as your touch takes over.

and I've never known someone could have power like this
and I'm uncertain how

but I am certain the yours in the voice that will always usher in my butterflies
yours in the name that sparkles in my eyes
yours is the taste I wish would never leave my lips

I am infinitely warm with a smile tightly placed
and I'm sure not even a blizzard could chill us.

I've had so much to say and so little words about our skeletons falling out of closets and being accepted in daylight.

why hate, kill, push aside -
for color, creed, religion, chromosomes?

why support silently?

silence is acceptable.

riots & hate are destructive regardless of skin color

this isn't a protest,
this isn't democracy,

This is Hell.
Burning Crosses.

& I find it hard to live in a world when being quiet means we're okay.

the first step is admitting we have a problem deeper than tiki torches

and step into it.

and I vow to stand by you even when it costs me

he was flirting
& buying me drinks

I was checking my phone for you

clawfoot bathtubs
are meant to be soaked in

hardwood floors
are meant to be danced on

& I was up until midnight
in a good way

I laugh because you know me
& sometimes I don't

I started off wondering
when life would hit play
& I find my place

I ended up laughing
on rooftops, smelling like waffles,
& feeling found

I grew up being told smart & passionate is what you call girls who aren't "pretty"

I'm learning now it's the other way around

run
run
run

like you're faster than the memories catching up.

stop.
sending.
me.
messages.
like.
I.
owe.
it.
to.
you.

it's never the one you want
that offers his arms on a rainy night