BRAVE

I don't like heights.

This year I rode a ferris wheel for the first time and it was terrifying. I went up with three friends and tried to play it cool, but ended up white knuckling the whole time I looked at Raleigh from what felt like 4000 feet in the air. When I got down, I Felt Brave. 

I don't like confrontation. 

I once raised my hand in class to discuss (ahem argue) a point with my professor. They commended me, I Felt Brave. 

I've climbed Mayan ruins, mountains, sometimes I run yellow lights and it makes me feel Brave, like I've conquered a problem, a narrow perspective, even a stop light. 

--

I graduated in December and have been applying for jobs since October. I've had less interviews than I have fingers... on one hand. I am worn out, discouraged, tired. I've been told I'm under-qualified & over-qualified. I feel like I'm too much & not enough. and I feel really alone and anxious and scared and these feelings of being overlooked have seeped into every area of my life. 

I'm now not enough for the barista to pay attention to, much less my boyfriend. The job won't call me back, and my friends forget to respond and now it feels like neither of them want me. I'm assigning thoughts and emotions to people without their knowledge or blessing. 

But today I'm done being afraid of the impending doom I've let loom in my mind. 

Bravery, I've learned, isn't always about conquering mountains or standing alone, it's putting yourself out there even when you don't feel you're worth it. It's believing the best about yourself, even when you think you're the worst. It's writing about and posting things that don't make you look like you have everything together. 

It's being called out into the waves of uncertainty and stepping out of the boat into a place where only God can hold you up, where you're not in control anymore, where you can't conquer.. at least not alone.

Sometimes that place happens when you step off a plane, sometimes when you press send one more time. 

Let the bravery crash over you wherever it is, you're not alone, you're more than what you think you are, and you have a place on top of mountains & maybe behind a desk.