BRAVE

I don't like heights.

This year I rode a ferris wheel for the first time and it was terrifying. I went up with three friends and tried to play it cool, but ended up white knuckling the whole time I looked at Raleigh from what felt like 4000 feet in the air. When I got down, I Felt Brave. 

I don't like confrontation. 

I once raised my hand in class to discuss (ahem argue) a point with my professor. They commended me, I Felt Brave. 

I've climbed Mayan ruins, mountains, sometimes I run yellow lights and it makes me feel Brave, like I've conquered a problem, a narrow perspective, even a stop light. 

--

I graduated in December and have been applying for jobs since October. I've had less interviews than I have fingers... on one hand. I am worn out, discouraged, tired. I've been told I'm under-qualified & over-qualified. I feel like I'm too much & not enough. and I feel really alone and anxious and scared and these feelings of being overlooked have seeped into every area of my life. 

I'm now not enough for the barista to pay attention to, much less my boyfriend. The job won't call me back, and my friends forget to respond and now it feels like neither of them want me. I'm assigning thoughts and emotions to people without their knowledge or blessing. 

But today I'm done being afraid of the impending doom I've let loom in my mind. 

Bravery, I've learned, isn't always about conquering mountains or standing alone, it's putting yourself out there even when you don't feel you're worth it. It's believing the best about yourself, even when you think you're the worst. It's writing about and posting things that don't make you look like you have everything together. 

It's being called out into the waves of uncertainty and stepping out of the boat into a place where only God can hold you up, where you're not in control anymore, where you can't conquer.. at least not alone.

Sometimes that place happens when you step off a plane, sometimes when you press send one more time. 

Let the bravery crash over you wherever it is, you're not alone, you're more than what you think you are, and you have a place on top of mountains & maybe behind a desk. 

it's funny...
when I used to picture my future
you were there
starring in every scene
you were always the hero of my dreams
its funny because it took me
this long to realize
how fucked that was
you aren't the center of my world
you aren't the hero of this story
without you, I used to think
I had no future
now looking ahead I see
late night that I
stay our laughing
and running across finish lines
and being recognized
and loved
and worthy
and everything I admire about the strong
and I am happy
and it's not because of you
and I'm following dreams that never belonged to you
and I'm my own hero

and that's the best feeling

even if I don't end up with him

it was beautiful believing I was worth more for the first time in a year

get yourself friends that remind you of good on your bad days

get yourself friends that remind you of bad when you regret good things

I wish sometimes I could write down the compliments
the praise, the joyous words -
I can't swallow them in front of you -
but I'll keep them for late, alone in my room.
Reading then over and over
until I believe I'm enough
to accept them

Beautifully Stitched

Taken with Inspiration from Exodus 34-40

"The Beautifully Stitched garments for the priests to wear while ministering in the Holy Place" Exodus 39:41 (NLT)

*Beautifully Stitched is replaced by finely worked, tightly twisted, finely woven depending on the translation.

[Scene]: This is post-ten commandment era, Moses went back up on Mt. Sinai to create a renewed covenant with the Lord. He spend 40 days and night on the mountain without eating or drinking and came back literally glowing from the presence of God upon him. He returns he speaks to the people (Exodus 38:26 tells us there were 603,550 men over the age of 20).

36:2 says that when Moses spoke to the people their "hearts were stirred to do the work."

We know how it is to have our hearts stirred for the work of the Lord, that's why so many churches and organizations exist in this city, because our hearts are stirred to do His work here.

Through the Lords guidance through Moses the people were guided to make a temps for the Lord, using their talents to create.

Those with the talents to weave - created fabric
                                     to build - built
With each talent (goldsmithing, framing) there was work to be done for the Lord and everyone gave.

Over 25 times in this passage words are used to describe the way this work was done: beautiful, skillfully, finely, tightly - but why?

I think it is because creating - we can do on our own, serving - we can do on our own.
But in order to create things beautiful, I believe we need the Holy Spirit's involvement.

The Lord was inspiring them (and is inspiring us) to go further than just task, go beyond service and create beauty and tightly woven bonds in all we do.

Note: Maybe you don't weave, or build, or goldsmith, but Romans 12 talks about everyone using their gifts for the Glory of God. If your gift is Prophesying they should prophesies. If it is service, they should serve; if giving, contribute generously; if it is mercy, do so cheerfully. 

The people in this passage had their hearts so stirred by the Lord to give that it (36:6-7) says that they had to be restrained from giving because what they had given was sufficient for the work they were to do and more.

What if we as a city, looked like that? What if we had to be restrained from giving because the resources we were given outweighed our ability to deploy them?

The parallels between us and this church are strong. Our hearts have been stirred, we have much to give and much to offer. Moses did not go to his top 10 head men and create this temple alone. As I said earlier, there were 600,000 other people that he involved to deploy their talents and gifts to the work of the Lord.

We are the ringleaders, the weavers, which God is using to create a beautifully stitched fabric in this city.

Note: Exodus 39:1 talks about the fabrics being created from three strands (flax, goat hair, and thread). Egyptian fabric was found from this time period that was as soft and beautiful as silk, those who found it actually thought it was silk initially. It was put under a microscope for further investigation it was found that the fabric was not silk, it was woven of three strands. 

Besides the biblical implications of three strands, I feel like I have been given the divine thought of the three strands being this city. The churches, non-profits, and communities coming together and being so beautifully woven together that we are like silk coming together and creating an environment that is a temple for the Lord to reside in. We are coming together with His holy prompting and plans and creating something beautifully stitched.

I say all that to just encourage and inspire you to coming to let the Holy Spirit to work in you and stir up you hearts. Create a new covenant with the Lord and create something beyond what we could do on our own. With Him we can create something lovely and beautifully stitched, like the garments worn in the presence of the Lord. Tightly woven in all we do.

A Little Like Heaven

Sometimes moments just stand in your mind. It feels like nothing else in the world matters except what you're doing right then and there. Sometimes there's no doubt that those moments come from Jesus.

Like today, sitting around a campfire holding a little girl who hand a handful of flowers picked just for her. Surrounded by sticky handed kids asking for just one more marshmallow. Sharing stories of who caught the biggest fish, fed the cutest goat, shot the furthest arrow. There was joy in these kids faces that isn't seen many other places.



And in that moment it was like a little shadow of heaven. I wish I could take you all into that moment and you could feel it too, it was like the world all stopped but the music in the background.

There's no place I'd rather be, 
No place I'd rather be, 
Than here in Your Love, Here in Your Love. 

In allegory to heaven in The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis says it well:

 The reason we loved the old narnia [earth, here today] is that sometimes it looked a little like this [heaven]. 

Today looked a little like heaven.