Less than Sunshine

I don't like getting flowers.

No, I take that back... I don't like being told I am getting flowers.

I want to be pleasantly surprised on a Tuesday afternoon when I haven't seen him in a few days and it's rainy and he sees the flowers as he's running into the grocery store to replace his expired milk and he can't help but them because they remind him of me.

I want chocolate only when he knows the only reason I'm being a brat is because I'm a girl and rather than avoiding me for a few days he picks up a Hershey's and a heating pad and comes over and holds me while I hopelessly cry over Sarah McLaughlin commercials.

I just want to be more than an option. I want to be more than someone to impress or win. I want to be so engraved in a persons heart, and them in mine that when I am happy, I want to share every giggle with them. And when they're alone, they miss me like Seattle misses sunshine. I want to be someones sunshine.

I want to be someones novel that they can't help but read over and over because every time they open the pages they are pleasantly surprised. I want them to fall asleep next to me, drunk off my pages, and fighting sleep to get one more sip.

And I know it's a lot to ask. But if I love my novel's more than I love you...

I don't want to waste my time on someone I love less than sunshine.

Journeys

I’ve been darker than eclipsed nights;

Tried to find my way through the engulfing loneliness.

I’ve fallen off the tracks to the rock bottom,

Been pulled up just to be dropped again.

I inched my way up to a tightrope,

Tip toed my way to perfection.

Painted a mask of happy disposition

Soon melted under pressure

Lost the facade.

I slipped.
I fell.

And somehow,

You caught me.

Keep Me Safe, with You

Empty Sidewalks
Closed doorways
Welcome to my little life.
Turned faces and Closed off graces
Maybe I should’ve stayed inside.

They look at me like I had a say.
Guess it doesn’t matter anyway…

When darkness closes all around
When hearts are shattered on the ground
Where will I find light?
When dirt has stained my greatest prize
When life has taken all I’ve tried - to hold on to
Keep me safe, with You.

Consequences for my crime
Choices made from others eyes
Who gave them a say?
Why can they take my clean away?
Reckless actions trying to disguise
Control I always thought was mine

And now it’s gone
Now it’s gone

When you thought he loved you ‘till he figured out
When the pool of mercy’s ‘xperiencing a drought.
Where will I find light?
When they think my sin is too grotesque
Grace won’t cover this whole mess
Keep me safe, with You.

And they preach grace washing them clean.
Covering hurt and broken things.
I’m not too dirty for His hands
He washes parts you’d never understand.

And I’m as clean as you…
I’m as clean as you…

When I am lost, feeling so alone
When I can’t find a place to call my home.
You will be my light.
When everyone else sets me apart
You’re still the one that holds my heart
You keep me safe, with You

Let My Broken Heart Write.

Break my heart easy.

Whisper to me, my hidden dreads are being raised to life. Let me know that I’m not enough to write the pages of my story. Promise to me that I am beautiful in the most disastrous way. Break my heart easy, remind me I’m alive.

Show me that you’re worthy.

Wipe away my tears, articulate they’d matter more if I kept them locked inside. Shout that you can save me; soothe me with glances reassuring your lies. Promise you can fix me; make the broken mess a life. Show me that you’re worthy, retell my shattered cries.

Remember why you chose me.

Wait a moment to answer; your words become my pride. Shift my focus from reliving to retracting my life. Tell me I am voiceless, your eloquence outweighs my scribbles. Create for them my story of hopeless abandon and worthless decisions. Don’t forget to hold me, remember why you chose me.

And then someday…

Awake my soul. Leave a pen on the pages sneaking suspects to scrawl. Release a mind out of the disaster on the floor. I will scream it from the mountains, voice very much alive. Worthy to be listened; worth much more than tattered lies. Abandon my hopeless heart – I will live my own life. And then someday I wake up, outshining dark nights. Let my pillow be salty, let my broken heart write.

--
For those who told me to hide myself, reminded me of my flaws, pushed me to silence.
You are my inspiration for speaking up.
You are the creations on my pages.
You are the darkness I will one day outshine.