For Him

There’s just something about you, in the deepest part of you that
makes me want to be better; and not for you – for me.

I see what a graceful mess you are; pieces falling out, but into place.
No idea where you’re going, but your travel’s full of peace.

When you talk it’s full of purpose, though you’re not sure what it is.
So still and strong and sturdy in something you’ve never known.

I wish I could be better, not so you and I would ‘work’.
You just make me feel like it’s ok to be lost as long as I keep moving.

For eventually things fall into place and someone will fall in love with
my train wrecked dreams and the way I see the sky.
And I’ll thank you, for showing me I’m worth more
than crossroads and train tracks and could’ve-beens,
for believing enough to take a step closer.

For making me better.

Little Treasures

"Fear wants to steer you into walls love never made to contain you."

Redeemed

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past,
Bound by shackles of all my failures
Wondering, 'how long is this gonna last?'
Then You look at this prisioner, and say to me "Son,
Stop fighting a fight that's already been won"

I am Redeemed.
You set me free.
So I'll shake off these heavy chains,
And wipe away every stain,
'Cause I'm not who I used to be.
I am Redeemed.

All my life I've been called unworthy.
Named by the voice of my shame and regret.
But when I hear you whisper, "Child, lift up your head."
I remember Oh, God, You're not done with me yet.

I am Redeemed.
You set me free.
So I'll shake off these heavy chains,
And wipe away every stain,
'Cause I'm not who I used to be.
I am Redeemed.

Because, I don't have to be the old man inside of me,
For his day is long dead and gone.
Oh, I've got a new name, A new life, I'm not the same
and a hope that will carry me on.

I am Redeemed.
You set me free.
So I'll shake off these heavy chains,
And wipe away every stain,
'Cause I'm not who I used to be.
I am Redeemed.

Oh I'm not who I used to be.

I am Redeemed.

Princess Crowns and Pillow Pets

Yesterday I think I said the most accurate explanation of my weirdness ever. My friends were teasing me about how excited and childish I was being at the apple festival. The only way I knew how to explain myself was "I get overly passionate, excited, and opinionated, about things that everyone else forgets about".

Like Alpaca's - Well llamas more so and when I saw one I literally ran from the 'adult' conversation we were having to the long neck creature. Don't ask me why but I love them. And also camels. I almost got to ride one yesterday and I swear if I would've I could've died happy at that moment.

And princess crowns. Yes, I'm 20 and I skipped around the festival for hours with a sparkle crown and ribbons hanging down my back. And African artwork - which I really feel like needs no explanation save for the 40 minutes i spent talking to the photographer about it when all my friends were so ready to get back to the street.

I love seeing people achieving their talents. Like I was so stoked about looking at every booth yesterday - it's beautiful hope to me. It's these people who have not only found their talents and niches, but they're living in them. They're creating beautiful things out of fabric and pieces of wood and stone. And it's incredible.

And Jesus. More specificially preaching Jesus with love, which seems like it may be a little thing to a lot of other people in the world, but it's actually a huge thing to me. I believe in love more than any other attribute of God. I believe in love even when I doubt God, and it always draws me back to him. And it's crazy and intoxicating and sad and overwhelming and comforting and it's everything. And I get so sad when people forget about this little word, because love is what people need. Love is what draws people in, it's what they understand, and it's why they'll stay and listen.

Maybe I'm a five year old at heart, but I don't think I'll ever grow out of princess crowns and pillow pets and I know I will never grow out of love. But I don't think I want to either. In the words of a good friend: "What's life without the little things, the 'little' things are the ones that make you special".

I'm the Girl Who Never Cried..

... And now I almost literally cry over spilled milk.

My heart is tired. Tired of being broken and abused and even tired of being loved sometimes. Which is weird for me, hearts we're made for love i thought? or i've been taught.. How could they be tired of being loved?

Sometimes I just wish I were invisible. You know? That nobody saw me and i could just have a break from the world and everyone in it. That i could be momentarily forgotten by everyone.

Sometimes I wish for no attention, no looks, no love. I feel like it'd be so much easier that way. I wouldn't have to worry about choices or feelings or inconsistencies. But i think it'd be so lonely.

I love being held. I love someone playing with my hair or brushing my hand as they walk by. I love falling slowly and cautiously for someone, and then all at once being lost in it.

Maybe I'm not cut out for not dating, Maybe I need to fall in love. I think it's logical. Love is really important in my life. Feeling has become really important in my life, which sometimes I really don't understand.

I used to never cry, like never. I was taught growing up that you acted strong despite what was happening in your life. And I carried that with me. But recently it's like my eyes and emotions have been on overload and i'm falling into pits of feeling that i can't crawl out of. Now i don't walk around school with mascara running. My heart is just touched often by little things. My heart is broken for things i never expected to break it. And my heart is filled by things that i never realized i loved.

My heart is being changed to reflect Gods little by little. I cry for orphans and widows and families who will never get to say goodbye or i love you again. I cry for nations that have no concept of God, have no verses in their language telling them of His love. I cry for my friends and classmates that i feel incapable and unworthy of sharing with. But on the same token, i shed joy when i hear of miracles and mended hearts and negative test results. And as much as i hate the tears - i love the feels. I love that i can cry and rejoice with my people. i love that i'm able to love. i love that i can accept it too. I love being held.

And as much as i wish to hide under my covers some days, i love not being invisible.

Worn

I'm tired, I'm worn. My heart is heavy.
From the work it takes to keep on breathing...

"Being worn is not a new feeling in my life"

It's bitter how easily these words come out of my mouth. It hurts and it's more than tired, It's worn. It's deep and wide and relentless.

And I just need Jesus to give me rest.

More Than Dirt

Sometimes you just have to know that you deserve better and treat yourself accordingly.

I'm tired of being treated like a commodity, I'm not a toy. I'm a person, and a lovely and loved one at that. And I don't deserve to be treated as anything less. I'm not just something that someone can come to when they're lonely or bored or needing and use. I'm deserve so much more. I am worth so much more than I've allowed myself to be treated as.

And sometimes it's really hard to stand up for myself like that. But I have to. I have to guard my heart. I have to protect myself from being treated like I am anything less than a child of the King of kings.

Sometimes you just have to delete the numbers. Delete the profiles. Delete the messages. And not allow yourself to be pushed around anymore. I can't allow these boys to have a say on my life, body, and heart any longer. And it sucks because at some point in my past I cared about each of them with huge parts of my being. And I have (and continue) to give them pieces of me, for them to throw away. But I don't deserve that. Their words mean nothing because their actions and their steps do not follow in line. I deserve honesty and sincerity and genuineness. And not this mess any longer.

I'm not dirt, I'm tired of being walked on.

My Love

I thought the whole point of this is that you were never going to leave or forsake me; that you would always be on my side. And now the road is getting rocky and the sun isn’t so bright and it’s like you took those vows and wrote them on a napkin to be easily thrown away. And everything about this seems infuriating and honestly I don’t really know where to go because you’re supposed to be my rock when this world shifts. But the tectonic plates must have shifted us too far apart for that to still be a reality.

My love, I called you and I waited – because you said you’d come, you said you’d always come. And now, when the waves are swallowing me; Now is when I need you here. So I wait, and I wait and my love, you’ve taught me patience so I waited some more, but still I’m alone. And I don’t know what to say right now – I just wonder if before was an illusion or a delusion or a mistake on my part for thinking when you said love, you meant unconditional. I guess now I’m learning that sometimes even that has conditions.

Delightful

"You are about to embark on a most delightful journey"

So I don't usually believe in fortunes and stuff, but cracking open my fortune cookie tonight after a marvelous dinner with my friends I couldn't help by look up at Jesus and smile, and giggle a little to myself.

A journey, eh? It's funny that I just started this trip, this path towards getting to know Jesus better and getting to know myself and my worth and my purpose through His eyes and then His encouragement is "Delightful".

It's like when my bible fell open to the passage in Zephaniah - "I will take great delight in you". Delight is something I believe God is trying to show me.

You know how when someone you know or love or even just met and they are sooooo excited about something that they just can't stop talking about it. And how in hearing them speak, you become excited for them and with them. That's kind of how I'm getting right now. I am looking forward to this season of just loving Jesus and having the opportunity to intentionally draw closer to Him and work at that, but at the same time I know it's going to be a challenge. Maybe not this week. Maybe not next. But a year is a long time to go without something that you are being told from all sides you need in your life and you should be actively pursuing. Instead - I am actively pursuing my first love. And the thing that is making me super excited about it right now is His excitement. I mean look how many times Delight has shown up in my world in the past 24 hours, not to mention hearing it in songs or verses coming to mind. He is soo Delighted to be going on this journey with me. And I am so happy I've embarked.

Pray for me as I continue. As I walk intentionally after Him for the next 361 days, and prayerfully, everyday beyond that.

His Answer

When you hear God say "I choose you! I want you!" - Not just I'll take you but "I've been preparing a place for you. I've got you. You're MY child."

Never has there been a time when I was so sure that God was speaking directly to me.

Tonight at my college group we studied Romans 8:28-39. Verses 38 and 39 say:

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Nothing can separate me from this love.

Let me just share with you a couple other things that God said to me tonight:

God looks at you and says "I'm not afraid of your mess, I'm not afraid of the dirt between your toes, you are Mine.
I'm not afraid to call you Mine, and Me, yours.

--

and He will keep you.
He will keep you.
He will keep you.
and His love for you never fails.

Thanks Jesus, For this love song you used my emmaus family to sing to me today.

Here I am

Last night God punched me in the face a little bit. And I mean that in the most holy and Godly way possible. It was such a loving punch, but hell, it hurt.

We're doing a study in my college ministry called "Love, Sex, and Dating" (appealing isn't it?) - I know it sounds like it'd be one of those Sunday morning talks that you just shake your head at, but it isn't. Honestly, I think everyone just needs to go watch it and soak up all the goodness God has given this man (Andy Stanley) to preach.

Anywho... I was a little bit of a mess when I was listening to this, because frankly - I was a black sheep sitting in a room full of seemingly flawless. AND I know that that's not completely accurate or anything close, but talking about the design of sex and God's marvelous plans for our lives and our hearts AND our bodies with a room full of outright, God-fearing virgins isn't loads of fun for a girl like me, and it left me pretty speechless. So you see... me = a mess, in all the ways I could have been in my heart at that moment. I didn't know what I could say, or what to feel. I was angry at myself and so jealous of everyone else and yet so proud of them that they were stronger than me. That they loved God more, That they were better and how much more they deserved true love in comparison to me.

I wish I could explain my mile-a-minute thoughts and the spiritual battle going on in my head heart. In the words of Ben Rector

Sometimes the Devil sounds a lot like Jesus,
telling me I'm not enough...

And there is no better way to put it, I knew God was trying to work in my heart, but I also was being suffocated by Satan's view of my worthiness. Let me tell you there is nothing more confusing than a argument going on in your heart from two voices that are so hard to differenciate sometimes. I was struggling, to say the least. I didn't know what to listen to or what to believe and I felt out of place and alone and like I was being pointed out and put on the spot and used as an example of what not to be.

What do you do when you don't even know where you stand anymore?

And then I listened...

And God used this group white sheep I felt like I had been isolated from to pull me in and love me. No one in that room knows my story, that's the crazy part. They were are just so in love with Jesus, that they let Him speak, and better yet, they really believe and live on the things they were saying.

And that my friends, is when I got punched.

"Don't let your poor opinions of yourself allow you to believe that you will never be loved."

"I don't care about [my future wife's] past. I care about her present, where she is now. I care about what she is doing, not what she's done."

and later...

"And we didn't deserve it, and that made me want to refuse it - cause I didn't do my part, I didn't pull my weight. But it's Grace. What makes it beautiful is that no matter what, it's not earned. It's given."

And I just looked up and said "Jesus... What a mess I am..."

A Challenge was given by Andy Stanley last night amongst my mess, To step away. Not date for a year. Stop focusing on myself and start looking to Jesus to satisfy my every need. And see what He does.

And all day today, these words have been stirring in my head in a repetitive challenge to take God up on His offer of showing me greater things than this... and I'm no where near ready, But Here I am Lord.
Take Me. Pick Me. Teach Me. Love Me. Change Me.
Show me greater things, Lord.

Here I am.

Living Backwards

I think it's as ironic as it is hard to realize that sometimes your expectations of things don't work out.

I'm struggling right now because for some reason I believed that because God was calling me towards something it would be easy.
ha. ha ha ha.
it's not.

Lord, it's anything but easy. And I've been slipping.

I think it's funny whenever I look at this blog and think of why I write. It's God calling me to live backwards, different, use my gifts and to live love out loud. And rather ironically, instead of living backwards, I'm slipping backwards .

I don't really know what else there is. I guess I haven't tried to go against the current for a while, I've gotten so caught up this week that I didn't even realize I wasn't trying anymore, I just began letting the river take me where it wants to go.

But I mean I guess that's why it's called backwards living, ya?

Not because it's easy,
it's hard and weird and doesn't feel right. And it's so much more comfortable and less dizzying to just walk straight.
But is walking straight really worth it?
I hate the dizziness, I'm not gonna lie. I hate the push and the work and the struggle to go against the flow with everything.

It's like I'm trying to be a super hipster... but I lost all my plaid and glasses. I hate it. I'm tired.

But I love the peace.
I live in the moments of rest in my chaos.
I crave the shelter and understanding. And I long for the hope that it brings me.

I'm willing to risk the dizzying irony for the incomprehensible walk.

He's Here

I was trying to push my bible off my bed so I could get to sleep last night. It had been a long beautiful night. Me and God had our time, then I had some time with my homework and with my webMD. and by the time I fell into bed I was exhausted and somewhat doped up on benadryl and Jesus.

Anyways I pushed my bible off next to my bed and it fell open and all my papers and notes fell out and it landed opended in the last chapter of Zephaniah, a silly baby book in the Old Testament. And when I was trying to pick it up I noticed a note I had written a few years ago after speaking to a youth leader at my church, Kemp Otto. We we're talking about how much Jesus loved me, well he was talking. I was listening trying to wrap my insecure head around how that could be true. and Kemp read to me a verse in a way I'd never seen anyone read the bible. He encouraged me to personalize it. To put my name into the verse. To let God speak directly to me through it in a way I could understand better...

Liz, I am the Lord, your God. And I am with you, always. I am a mighty warrior who saves you. I will take great delight in you, my love. In My love, I will no longer rebuke you, but I will rejoice over you with my singing. (Zep. 3:17)

Then I realized, God doesn't want to be pushed to the floor when I'm exhausted. He wants to be right there. He wants to comfort me, He wants to share with me, He wants to cuddle me and love me and sing me to sleep with rejoicing, because He loves me that much. He just wants to sit with me and live life with me. He doesn't want a relationship where I revere Him like I would a celebrity. He wants the little moments when I'm exhausted and teary eyed and rashed up and broken and a mess. And He wants to love me, right there. And He's taking great delight in that moment, in this moment. In every moment. Cause He loves me. and You. He loves you too, that much, MORE actually. I hope you don't have to push Him out of your bed to realize that He's there rejoicing over you, protecting you, wiping your tears and Loving every moment of it.

Lost

When you’re lost your main concern is getting found.
You stop worrying about your phone bill and your doctors’ appointment and start concerning yourself solely with where to be found or where to find whatever it may be that you lost.

I’m lost. Somewhere on the road of getting here I lost myself and as much as have backtracked and backslid and ran backwards, I cannot find me. But I’ve found many places where I am not – places where you will never find yourself.

You will not find yourself in the bottom of a bottle no matter what type of poison you chose or how many times you’ve drowned.
You will not find yourself in a designer store clutching onto your large bills and small closets.
You will not find yourself in that cookie dough (even if you search every last bite).
And you will never find yourself on the ceiling of a strangers bedroom – you may even leave more of yourself there than you thought you could lose.
Truth is when you lose yourself you’re scattered. And you may find a piece in the laundromat sharing soap and smiles with a cute stranger. And you may be in the sunrise you’ve been dying to watch from that hill. And you may be in the song on the radio that always makes you cry.

Maybe losing yourself isn’t bad. Maybe finding yourself isn’t real. And maybe in such you create the beautiful masterpiece of your life. And maybe some pages are ripped out and others sewn in and it maybe it’s crumpled stained with tears and sweat and green tea. But it’s beautiful. And maybe this handcrafted one of a kind portrait framed in gold is just waiting for you to get lost and find it.

Still Here?

So you made it to the bottom....

Still bored?

Check Out Some Stuff I wrote when I was a wee lass. (ok maybe like two years ago...)