I'm the Girl Who Never Cried..

... And now I almost literally cry over spilled milk.

My heart is tired. Tired of being broken and abused and even tired of being loved sometimes. Which is weird for me, hearts we're made for love i thought? or i've been taught.. How could they be tired of being loved?

Sometimes I just wish I were invisible. You know? That nobody saw me and i could just have a break from the world and everyone in it. That i could be momentarily forgotten by everyone.

Sometimes I wish for no attention, no looks, no love. I feel like it'd be so much easier that way. I wouldn't have to worry about choices or feelings or inconsistencies. But i think it'd be so lonely.

I love being held. I love someone playing with my hair or brushing my hand as they walk by. I love falling slowly and cautiously for someone, and then all at once being lost in it.

Maybe I'm not cut out for not dating, Maybe I need to fall in love. I think it's logical. Love is really important in my life. Feeling has become really important in my life, which sometimes I really don't understand.

I used to never cry, like never. I was taught growing up that you acted strong despite what was happening in your life. And I carried that with me. But recently it's like my eyes and emotions have been on overload and i'm falling into pits of feeling that i can't crawl out of. Now i don't walk around school with mascara running. My heart is just touched often by little things. My heart is broken for things i never expected to break it. And my heart is filled by things that i never realized i loved.

My heart is being changed to reflect Gods little by little. I cry for orphans and widows and families who will never get to say goodbye or i love you again. I cry for nations that have no concept of God, have no verses in their language telling them of His love. I cry for my friends and classmates that i feel incapable and unworthy of sharing with. But on the same token, i shed joy when i hear of miracles and mended hearts and negative test results. And as much as i hate the tears - i love the feels. I love that i can cry and rejoice with my people. i love that i'm able to love. i love that i can accept it too. I love being held.

And as much as i wish to hide under my covers some days, i love not being invisible.