Have you ever loved something that you've never known with such a passion that you really didn't know what to do with yourself?
I imagine this is how mothers feel of their unborn children. How farmers feel of the crops that will rise to feed their families. How pastors feel of their planted church that will bring people to know Him. This is my Africa.
I remember in seventh grade when I was first introduced to Africa. I completely fell head over heels in love. The other girls in my grade doodled pictures of their crushes names and I drew up plans for how to get there. They gravitated towards bridal magazines and me to travel sites. I prayed so hard that God would let me go.
My freshman year of high school my small group sponsored a little boy from the Challenge Farm in Kitale, Kenya. I adored him. I kept a picture of him on my wall and couldn't wait for the day I'd get to see him.
My junior year came around and I was coming to a church that had a huge heart for missions and twice a year they would go to Kitale and I would pray to go and God would say no. And I would talk to people and they would say I was just too young and I needed to concentrate on my life here and not worry about the make-believe one I had created thousands of miles away.
As I graduated high school I thought that'd be my chance but I felt God pulling me towards local missions instead. Frankly, I was pissed. God put this passion in my heart five years ago and I wanted to go. Let me go. Let me go.
But He didn't. So I didn't.
Door after door after door was closed.
Window after window was screwed shut.
I was ready to run through a wall.
I was so bitter that God would give me this love for a place He was keeping me away from.
I lost years of feeling like a "teenage girl" because I wanted so much more than bridal collages in my back pocket. College interviews went by and I remember dwelling on Africa while trying to earn scholarships that would hold me here.
Fast forward three years.
My best friend has never had a heart for the third world. And honestly, it was one of my favorite things about her. She wanted Paris and shopping and pastries. And I wanted dirty children and brokenness and languages I couldn't begin to understand. And we didn't understand those parts of each other and that was so so okay with me.
Then God told her to Go.
And my best friend said yes and spent six months in the place that I have loved for as long as I haven't known it. And she loved those people so well. And she told me about the hard stuff and she cried. And I cried because I wanted to be right there. I wanted to be right there for her. But I wanted to really be right there in the middle of Africa, loving children and not sleeping and washing my clothes by hand. And in those moments of not having my best friend because she was living out my passion I gained so much peace. And that sounds so backwards in my head, but I adored the ways God was using her and I looked down to prepare myself for however God wanted to use me. I am pushing through nursing school to be able to love people tangibly. I am becoming ready for where ever He wants me. Even if it was here.
I became content with His no.
And now, nine years into this love affair, I am terrified - He is saying yes.
And I'm walking in Faith that He will provide the strength and the courage and the finances it takes to get me there.
--
January 15th, 2015, I hope to be beginning a long journey to spend ten days with this nation God has engraved into my heart.
If you'd like to know more about my trip, how you can pray for me or support me, please don't hesitate to email me: liz.kaiman@gmail.com
