Princess Crowns and Pillow Pets

Yesterday I think I said the most accurate explanation of my weirdness ever. My friends were teasing me about how excited and childish I was being at the apple festival. The only way I knew how to explain myself was "I get overly passionate, excited, and opinionated, about things that everyone else forgets about".

Like Alpaca's - Well llamas more so and when I saw one I literally ran from the 'adult' conversation we were having to the long neck creature. Don't ask me why but I love them. And also camels. I almost got to ride one yesterday and I swear if I would've I could've died happy at that moment.

And princess crowns. Yes, I'm 20 and I skipped around the festival for hours with a sparkle crown and ribbons hanging down my back. And African artwork - which I really feel like needs no explanation save for the 40 minutes i spent talking to the photographer about it when all my friends were so ready to get back to the street.

I love seeing people achieving their talents. Like I was so stoked about looking at every booth yesterday - it's beautiful hope to me. It's these people who have not only found their talents and niches, but they're living in them. They're creating beautiful things out of fabric and pieces of wood and stone. And it's incredible.

And Jesus. More specificially preaching Jesus with love, which seems like it may be a little thing to a lot of other people in the world, but it's actually a huge thing to me. I believe in love more than any other attribute of God. I believe in love even when I doubt God, and it always draws me back to him. And it's crazy and intoxicating and sad and overwhelming and comforting and it's everything. And I get so sad when people forget about this little word, because love is what people need. Love is what draws people in, it's what they understand, and it's why they'll stay and listen.

Maybe I'm a five year old at heart, but I don't think I'll ever grow out of princess crowns and pillow pets and I know I will never grow out of love. But I don't think I want to either. In the words of a good friend: "What's life without the little things, the 'little' things are the ones that make you special".

I'm the Girl Who Never Cried..

... And now I almost literally cry over spilled milk.

My heart is tired. Tired of being broken and abused and even tired of being loved sometimes. Which is weird for me, hearts we're made for love i thought? or i've been taught.. How could they be tired of being loved?

Sometimes I just wish I were invisible. You know? That nobody saw me and i could just have a break from the world and everyone in it. That i could be momentarily forgotten by everyone.

Sometimes I wish for no attention, no looks, no love. I feel like it'd be so much easier that way. I wouldn't have to worry about choices or feelings or inconsistencies. But i think it'd be so lonely.

I love being held. I love someone playing with my hair or brushing my hand as they walk by. I love falling slowly and cautiously for someone, and then all at once being lost in it.

Maybe I'm not cut out for not dating, Maybe I need to fall in love. I think it's logical. Love is really important in my life. Feeling has become really important in my life, which sometimes I really don't understand.

I used to never cry, like never. I was taught growing up that you acted strong despite what was happening in your life. And I carried that with me. But recently it's like my eyes and emotions have been on overload and i'm falling into pits of feeling that i can't crawl out of. Now i don't walk around school with mascara running. My heart is just touched often by little things. My heart is broken for things i never expected to break it. And my heart is filled by things that i never realized i loved.

My heart is being changed to reflect Gods little by little. I cry for orphans and widows and families who will never get to say goodbye or i love you again. I cry for nations that have no concept of God, have no verses in their language telling them of His love. I cry for my friends and classmates that i feel incapable and unworthy of sharing with. But on the same token, i shed joy when i hear of miracles and mended hearts and negative test results. And as much as i hate the tears - i love the feels. I love that i can cry and rejoice with my people. i love that i'm able to love. i love that i can accept it too. I love being held.

And as much as i wish to hide under my covers some days, i love not being invisible.

Worn

I'm tired, I'm worn. My heart is heavy.
From the work it takes to keep on breathing...

"Being worn is not a new feeling in my life"

It's bitter how easily these words come out of my mouth. It hurts and it's more than tired, It's worn. It's deep and wide and relentless.

And I just need Jesus to give me rest.

More Than Dirt

Sometimes you just have to know that you deserve better and treat yourself accordingly.

I'm tired of being treated like a commodity, I'm not a toy. I'm a person, and a lovely and loved one at that. And I don't deserve to be treated as anything less. I'm not just something that someone can come to when they're lonely or bored or needing and use. I'm deserve so much more. I am worth so much more than I've allowed myself to be treated as.

And sometimes it's really hard to stand up for myself like that. But I have to. I have to guard my heart. I have to protect myself from being treated like I am anything less than a child of the King of kings.

Sometimes you just have to delete the numbers. Delete the profiles. Delete the messages. And not allow yourself to be pushed around anymore. I can't allow these boys to have a say on my life, body, and heart any longer. And it sucks because at some point in my past I cared about each of them with huge parts of my being. And I have (and continue) to give them pieces of me, for them to throw away. But I don't deserve that. Their words mean nothing because their actions and their steps do not follow in line. I deserve honesty and sincerity and genuineness. And not this mess any longer.

I'm not dirt, I'm tired of being walked on.

My Love

I thought the whole point of this is that you were never going to leave or forsake me; that you would always be on my side. And now the road is getting rocky and the sun isn’t so bright and it’s like you took those vows and wrote them on a napkin to be easily thrown away. And everything about this seems infuriating and honestly I don’t really know where to go because you’re supposed to be my rock when this world shifts. But the tectonic plates must have shifted us too far apart for that to still be a reality.

My love, I called you and I waited – because you said you’d come, you said you’d always come. And now, when the waves are swallowing me; Now is when I need you here. So I wait, and I wait and my love, you’ve taught me patience so I waited some more, but still I’m alone. And I don’t know what to say right now – I just wonder if before was an illusion or a delusion or a mistake on my part for thinking when you said love, you meant unconditional. I guess now I’m learning that sometimes even that has conditions.