Sometimes

Sometimes life is tough for no particular reason.
I’m going through one of those seasons.

Sometimes I dream about my future and I can’t figure out if these dreams are from me or God or they’re realistic or idealistic. And I don’t know which path I should take and if certain things are roadblocks or closed doors or just the devils deterrents from achieving what God has planned for me.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else can relate to this struggle…

Sometimes I wonder about Jeremiah 29:11.

“’For I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’”

And I think about the plans I have for myself: Plans to be a nurse or to work with kids or to write something worth reading, to get married someday, to have a job where I can wear ‘real people clothes’.

And I think about the plans God has for me. And I wonder if any of them line up. What if God has greater things in store for me? I wonder if that’s even possible. I mean I’m just an ordinary 20 year old. I’ve probably made more mistakes than some people. Sometimes I wonder if I could ever impact the world like I want to. And most times I hear a loud voice in my head telling me I’m not enough.

Sometimes I listen to that voice.
Sometimes I listen to God.

“For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

Sometimes I get really tired of dreaming small, but feel too small to dream any bigger.

Sometimes I have a broken heart for no particular reason but not knowing if I could ever live up to the plans that God has for my life. Wondering if I will ever be bold enough to take steps I’m unsure of, if I will ever be able to leave my comfort zone and step into unsure plans that could very logically harm me, with the faith that God has a future for me.

Sometimes I tell myself, “If I am just patient, God will fulfill His plans for me.”

Then I read on.

“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you…” (Jer. 29:12-14a)

Sometimes I want to stay comfortable.
Most times I want to find Him.

The Marrying Kind

“You're not the marrying kind"

He said it surely, confidently, as factual as death tolls, equally devastating dreams every girl has dwelled on since plastic high heels clanking on linoleum floors. Practicing curtsies and ‘I do’s’ and ‘I love you’s’, planning dinners and cuddles and how to act surprised when he asks those four words that have kept you up dreaming at night from training wheels, to training bras, to job training.

A sure part of my soul created in the womb with sugar and spice and glitter tiaras and daisies with a string tightly wrapped as to not come undone when thrown in the air, as her dreams and heart come unwraveled with she hears:

“You’re not the marrying kind”

What kind is for marriage?
Those worthy of love. The love in movies, takes place singing outside windows throwing rocks, throwing pillows, throwing pennies into fountains, making wishes on candles and eyelashes and stars shooting across watched skies, waiting for a sign, to be knocked out of dangers way by Prince Charming riding up in an old mustang, being everything you wanted and nothing you expected and oh so much more that butterflies and starry eyes and kisses.

And those who are not?
Evil stepsisters and pre-Madonna’s wanting nothing more than suffering for the underserving. And I’ve never seen myself as ugly or nemesis’ and love is my motto, not suffering, so how can it be...

I’m not the marrying kind?

And with these dreams at the soul of my being, how could I not search for my desires in love and life and I look around and everyone has found it in pressed suits and speed dates and diamond rings – subjecting communities to public “I love you’s” and life breathed fairytales. Making my dreams realities, and then shutting the glass door, locking me in the rain as I watch my impersonated dreams without touching the magic, because:

I’m not the marrying kind.

But I am the dreaming kind. Hoping still one day for childhood dreams come realities in a man who loves me second, and loves me well. And the high heels don’t matter, nor the cuddles or curtsies but the starry eyed butterflies do. For my soul was surely created from the womb of my being for maybe more than glitter tiaras and unraveling string. Penny fountain wishes and daydreams.

For I have dreams in this heart of mine.
That he’s wrong.

I am the marrying kind.

Satisfaction

sat-is-fac-tion (săt′ĭs-făk′shən)noun.

a. The fulfillment or gratification of a desire, need, or appetite.
b. happiness with one's situation in life
c. the contentment one feels when one has fulfilled a desire, need, or expectation

The Rolling Stones once sang a song that I’m sure all of you have heard.

I can’t get no satisfaction. ‘Cause I try and I try and I try I can’t get no, I can’t get no...

I’ve definitely been here. Maybe you have too. I try and I try and I try and I think I’ve done the right thing and lived things out correctly and still no satisfaction. I daily hear people talking about their wanderlust, their hunger, their plans for achieving satisfaction in their lives, their need for more. I rarely meet those people who find the fulfillment where they are looking.

“I’ve always wanted to see the world, been a few places but I’d still like to see China, London, Colorado... (etc.) ”
“I want great success, just one more class, degree, promotion, relocation....”
“I found the one I love… now if (s)he could just…”

We are all born with passions, hungers, the need for more than face value in life. It’s a wonderful and unique part of our makeup. I love seeing people run after their dreams and doing what they love and doing really well, but even when you see someone totally in their element (or if you’ve been there) there is always this pang of wanting more, the hunger is still there.

We have so much, great schooling, families, jobs, stamps on our passports, opportunities for scholarships and internships and relationships but without Jesus it’s like trying to fill a bucket with water without one really important thing…the bucket.

Jesus is the container. He’s the handle. He’s the well filled with water. We go and receive, but sometimes don’t realize all he’s offering: a bucket to be filled to overflowing with gifts, with love, with satisfaction. Without a bucket, going to the well for a drink seems rather pointless, doesn’t it? We are still searching, still wanting, still thirsty. If we aren’t seeking Him first and giving Him the glory through our life journeys, big and small, they will never satisfy us. For the satisfaction comes not from what you’re doing, but who it’s for. The only real satisfaction I’ve ever seen is by those living their lives not for the journeys or next steps, but for the source, Jesus. And He will continue filing and fueling those passions until you are overflowing.

“Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.’” John 4:13-14

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Oh and if you like music, this song is a really beautiful picture of Jesus calling us to Him to drink and be filled and satisfied. Vocal Few, The Fountain.

Real Life in Jesus Christ

It's the talks that start about sports and scarves and end up pouring out your heart at a table, drinking too strong coffee laced with sugar and broken honesty.

It's the doing, not saying you'll pray and worship and "make time" for God, but having bruised knees and tired arms and tear stained pages as evidence of the peace you recieved coming from something much greater than Dr. Phil & self help books.

It's the tangible love offered to a stranger or a friend. Being there to help them move or eat or even stand when their demons seem invisible and they feel alone.

It's more than thinking of them when you see their empty chair. It's tracking their lost soul down when they're so blind to life that they don't even remember how they exist.

Real Life is more than church.

It's laundry late on Friday nights when you and your roommate are both out of clean socks.
It's mornings that deserve cold pizza and pancakes.
It's frisbee on the field even if you have a test tomorrow,
and it's the cups of coffee you'll drink cramming late into the night.

It's more than a Tuesday or Wednesday night in a room with "church people".

It's all people,
all times,
everything.

And we were called for more than a part time job. We were called to love tangibly, pray brokenly, and live selflessly. For every moment to be engrossed in something much deeper than the surface. To carry peace and wisdom. Mercy and Love.
And Jesus.

and to not compartmentalize.

Real life is now.
and it's tomorrow.
and Jesus wants to be part of the frisbee matches and test cramming and laundry and pancakes and brokenness.

Let Him.