Here I am

Last night God punched me in the face a little bit. And I mean that in the most holy and Godly way possible. It was such a loving punch, but hell, it hurt.

We're doing a study in my college ministry called "Love, Sex, and Dating" (appealing isn't it?) - I know it sounds like it'd be one of those Sunday morning talks that you just shake your head at, but it isn't. Honestly, I think everyone just needs to go watch it and soak up all the goodness God has given this man (Andy Stanley) to preach.

Anywho... I was a little bit of a mess when I was listening to this, because frankly - I was a black sheep sitting in a room full of seemingly flawless. AND I know that that's not completely accurate or anything close, but talking about the design of sex and God's marvelous plans for our lives and our hearts AND our bodies with a room full of outright, God-fearing virgins isn't loads of fun for a girl like me, and it left me pretty speechless. So you see... me = a mess, in all the ways I could have been in my heart at that moment. I didn't know what I could say, or what to feel. I was angry at myself and so jealous of everyone else and yet so proud of them that they were stronger than me. That they loved God more, That they were better and how much more they deserved true love in comparison to me.

I wish I could explain my mile-a-minute thoughts and the spiritual battle going on in my head heart. In the words of Ben Rector

Sometimes the Devil sounds a lot like Jesus,
telling me I'm not enough...

And there is no better way to put it, I knew God was trying to work in my heart, but I also was being suffocated by Satan's view of my worthiness. Let me tell you there is nothing more confusing than a argument going on in your heart from two voices that are so hard to differenciate sometimes. I was struggling, to say the least. I didn't know what to listen to or what to believe and I felt out of place and alone and like I was being pointed out and put on the spot and used as an example of what not to be.

What do you do when you don't even know where you stand anymore?

And then I listened...

And God used this group white sheep I felt like I had been isolated from to pull me in and love me. No one in that room knows my story, that's the crazy part. They were are just so in love with Jesus, that they let Him speak, and better yet, they really believe and live on the things they were saying.

And that my friends, is when I got punched.

"Don't let your poor opinions of yourself allow you to believe that you will never be loved."

"I don't care about [my future wife's] past. I care about her present, where she is now. I care about what she is doing, not what she's done."

and later...

"And we didn't deserve it, and that made me want to refuse it - cause I didn't do my part, I didn't pull my weight. But it's Grace. What makes it beautiful is that no matter what, it's not earned. It's given."

And I just looked up and said "Jesus... What a mess I am..."

A Challenge was given by Andy Stanley last night amongst my mess, To step away. Not date for a year. Stop focusing on myself and start looking to Jesus to satisfy my every need. And see what He does.

And all day today, these words have been stirring in my head in a repetitive challenge to take God up on His offer of showing me greater things than this... and I'm no where near ready, But Here I am Lord.
Take Me. Pick Me. Teach Me. Love Me. Change Me.
Show me greater things, Lord.

Here I am.