Living Backwards

I think it's as ironic as it is hard to realize that sometimes your expectations of things don't work out.

I'm struggling right now because for some reason I believed that because God was calling me towards something it would be easy.
ha. ha ha ha.
it's not.

Lord, it's anything but easy. And I've been slipping.

I think it's funny whenever I look at this blog and think of why I write. It's God calling me to live backwards, different, use my gifts and to live love out loud. And rather ironically, instead of living backwards, I'm slipping backwards .

I don't really know what else there is. I guess I haven't tried to go against the current for a while, I've gotten so caught up this week that I didn't even realize I wasn't trying anymore, I just began letting the river take me where it wants to go.

But I mean I guess that's why it's called backwards living, ya?

Not because it's easy,
it's hard and weird and doesn't feel right. And it's so much more comfortable and less dizzying to just walk straight.
But is walking straight really worth it?
I hate the dizziness, I'm not gonna lie. I hate the push and the work and the struggle to go against the flow with everything.

It's like I'm trying to be a super hipster... but I lost all my plaid and glasses. I hate it. I'm tired.

But I love the peace.
I live in the moments of rest in my chaos.
I crave the shelter and understanding. And I long for the hope that it brings me.

I'm willing to risk the dizzying irony for the incomprehensible walk.