You leave me breathless
questioning
wondering which way is up

and I've never known two lips
against mine could have such an impact
on how I see the world or how it sees me

for one moment I feel as strong as Sampson with the clarity to change the world and find the lost and stand forever with no more nourishment than the strength you give me

and the next I feel infinitely weak, like my bones could crumple and melt into a puddle easily washed away - that I could sink into oblivion as your touch takes over.

and I've never known someone could have power like this
and I'm uncertain how

but I am certain the yours in the voice that will always usher in my butterflies
yours in the name that sparkles in my eyes
yours is the taste I wish would never leave my lips

I am infinitely warm with a smile tightly placed
and I'm sure not even a blizzard could chill us.

I've had so much to say and so little words about our skeletons falling out of closets and being accepted in daylight.

why hate, kill, push aside -
for color, creed, religion, chromosomes?

why support silently?

silence is acceptable.

riots & hate are destructive regardless of skin color

this isn't a protest,
this isn't democracy,

This is Hell.
Burning Crosses.

& I find it hard to live in a world when being quiet means we're okay.

the first step is admitting we have a problem deeper than tiki torches

and step into it.

and I vow to stand by you even when it costs me

he was flirting
& buying me drinks

I was checking my phone for you

clawfoot bathtubs
are meant to be soaked in

hardwood floors
are meant to be danced on

& I was up until midnight
in a good way

I laugh because you know me
& sometimes I don't

I started off wondering
when life would hit play
& I find my place

I ended up laughing
on rooftops, smelling like waffles,
& feeling found

I grew up being told smart & passionate is what you call girls who aren't "pretty"

I'm learning now it's the other way around

run
run
run

like you're faster than the memories catching up.

stop.
sending.
me.
messages.
like.
I.
owe.
it.
to.
you.

it's never the one you want
that offers his arms on a rainy night

& just like that there
was no one but her

Coffee, grits, and biscuits
& learning how to love the south

& I lay in your lap
and we don't talk about big dreams

pecan pie tastes like broken dreams
that were never mine

happy birthday
here's your ring

Storms

You called me out among dark clouds and hurricane force winds into a world I swore broke me once before.

I hid my face, because I never wanted to go back to those places where I felt alone, abandoned -
but here you are, calling me back into the storm.

They say you never really know somebody until you have lived their nightmares alongside their dreams.
But I hid those fears miles deep, because if that's how I learn to love and find myself, forever lost I will be.

You called me out to my dark where I crave the company of genuine hearts and taught me that mine could feel.

You called me out to my dark and beckoned me to let go of my dream of warm comfort and walk into the storm.

I worry through your words that once again I will forget to breathe.
I worry through your words that I will lose myself in the engulfing darkness.

Some days I still don't believe in the light,
I fight my way through dark alleys and cold nights.

But as I look up I see you there,
Not fazed by the storm,
A reminder of your light inside of me.

This Time

You are strong.
     stronger than the pull of my wandering heart against your security.
     stronger than my need to run
     - your arms pull me to a place I've never needed to escape.
     holding me closer than my beating heart
     calmed by your touch

You are steady.
     the anchor I forgot I had since it's been so long since I feared the wind
     you allow me to go - to be free on the waves of passion
     and you watched my green eyes kissed by the sun.
     and when the night comes, you hold fast to the place I lay my head
     I am safe. even when I don't receive it.

You are magnetic.
     constantly pulling me close to you
     regardless of what I push in the way
     you hold me tighter
     whispering, "I am yours. You are mine & this is not your fail
     it's your victory this time."

My broken heart forgot how to be decisive
Jumping gout of planes for the rush of feeling alive again
     cutting deeper   |   holding longer   |    pushing further
to prove I wouldn't settle - but my vices ran out
they chase me down with needles and knives
and remind me that this pain is mine.

and I've held it so long that I am numb
I forgot to feel failure, hear burdens
blind to your arms calling & pulling me back to your
whispering, "I am yours. You are mine & this is not your fail
it's your victory this time."

It's my victory this time.

BRAVE

I don't like heights.

This year I rode a ferris wheel for the first time and it was terrifying. I went up with three friends and tried to play it cool, but ended up white knuckling the whole time I looked at Raleigh from what felt like 4000 feet in the air. When I got down, I Felt Brave. 

I don't like confrontation. 

I once raised my hand in class to discuss (ahem argue) a point with my professor. They commended me, I Felt Brave. 

I've climbed Mayan ruins, mountains, sometimes I run yellow lights and it makes me feel Brave, like I've conquered a problem, a narrow perspective, even a stop light. 

--

I graduated in December and have been applying for jobs since October. I've had less interviews than I have fingers... on one hand. I am worn out, discouraged, tired. I've been told I'm under-qualified & over-qualified. I feel like I'm too much & not enough. and I feel really alone and anxious and scared and these feelings of being overlooked have seeped into every area of my life. 

I'm now not enough for the barista to pay attention to, much less my boyfriend. The job won't call me back, and my friends forget to respond and now it feels like neither of them want me. I'm assigning thoughts and emotions to people without their knowledge or blessing. 

But today I'm done being afraid of the impending doom I've let loom in my mind. 

Bravery, I've learned, isn't always about conquering mountains or standing alone, it's putting yourself out there even when you don't feel you're worth it. It's believing the best about yourself, even when you think you're the worst. It's writing about and posting things that don't make you look like you have everything together. 

It's being called out into the waves of uncertainty and stepping out of the boat into a place where only God can hold you up, where you're not in control anymore, where you can't conquer.. at least not alone.

Sometimes that place happens when you step off a plane, sometimes when you press send one more time. 

Let the bravery crash over you wherever it is, you're not alone, you're more than what you think you are, and you have a place on top of mountains & maybe behind a desk. 

it's funny...
when I used to picture my future
you were there
starring in every scene
you were always the hero of my dreams
its funny because it took me
this long to realize
how fucked that was
you aren't the center of my world
you aren't the hero of this story
without you, I used to think
I had no future
now looking ahead I see
late night that I
stay our laughing
and running across finish lines
and being recognized
and loved
and worthy
and everything I admire about the strong
and I am happy
and it's not because of you
and I'm following dreams that never belonged to you
and I'm my own hero

and that's the best feeling

even if I don't end up with him

it was beautiful believing I was worth more for the first time in a year

get yourself friends that remind you of good on your bad days

get yourself friends that remind you of bad when you regret good things

I wish sometimes I could write down the compliments
the praise, the joyous words -
I can't swallow them in front of you -
but I'll keep them for late, alone in my room.
Reading then over and over
until I believe I'm enough
to accept them