Carnival Rides

Never once did we ever walk alone,
Never once did you leave us on our own.
You are faithful, God you are faithful

Am I alone? Sometimes it really feels like it. I mean I can be surrounded by people, but I don’t think they get it. Do they feel alone? Have they ever? Is anyone else lost? I feel like I’m sitting on cold concrete. I am alone and tired and I’m trying to be brave but I’m running out of courage. And I feel so very invisible, so very lost, insecure, and left behind.

Never once did you ever walk alone

I wonder how I can sing that if I don’t believe it. And I taste the words as I allow myself to digest them I wonder if this is true. Why do I still feel so alone though? Am I making a liar of myself by professing these words? I wish I could believe that I’ve never been alone – oh how I hope that it’s true. I mean I’m not saying sometimes haven’t been fun, but how is that I’ve been in this place for so long?

It’s like being lost at the fair. It’s fun at first – you ride the rides and eat a bunch of fried food, see some shows. But eventually the crowd will clear. You’ll be out of tickets and have a wicked belly ache and you’ll be alone. The ferris-wheel slowly stops spinning, the carny’s wipe off their makeup and it’s quiet, save for the bleating of the sheep. As they begin to shut off the lights you don’t know if you should cry or scream. Scream I tell you, SCREAM. But by the time you decide – you don’t bother. It’s too late. No one is going to hear you. So you sit down, alone in the dark, lifeless midway – listening to the barely audible clamor of the animals, who from what you can tell have more purpose in their lives that you – and you pray, to whatever god may be listening, that someone will find you tomorrow.

Never once did you leave me on my own

But what if they don’t? What if they don’t come tomorrow? How can I expect to be found when I don’t even know where I am? Or who I am, for that matter? I’m so far from where I “need” to be… wherever that is.

You are faithful
God, You are faithful

And for now, that’s all I have:
The faith that I will be found tomorrow.